Another Post

I truly had hoped (and maybe expected) that I would have my baby by now.  (I know, I know...everyone thinks that.  But I count as everyone!) 

Frankly, I didn't think I'd even survive to 37 weeks, so once i hit that mile marker, I turned off my pregnancy brain and put motherhood into high gear.

Big mistake.

Instead, here I am at 39 weeks and not a sign of a baby.

That's not completely true - there are signs.  I don't sleep, I'm anxious, I'm sore, I'm restless, and in addition, I am 80% effaced and nearly 2 cm dilated.  We all know what that means - baby could decide to show up tomorrow afternoon, or wait until the week before our move (sweet baby Jesus, forbid!!)  I feel as if my mind, body and heart is ready, but Cedar is just not.

Or maybe I'm not 'ready', just impatient.

Yesterday was rough.  Jody had to deal with a bunch of (may I say Assholes?) on the ship trying to make him go underway for all of next week.  I felt frustrated with the ship, with my body and my kid for not complying to 'my plans' and very confused about how to address this with God.  I've been half heartedly 'asking' for patience.  Half heartedly asking for his spirit to enter my body and give me the strength to carry on and allow his plan to progress with a happy heart, but deep in the back of my mind I'm thinking,

I don't mean it.  In fact, God, I should be honest here.  I'm restless and tired and wanting to touch, hold, love, feed, bond with my daughter.  So could you hurry it up, please?  In fact - you should bless me for my honesty!  How about giving me a baby tonight?  Great, thanks.

Jody worked things out with the ship so that he will not have to go underway next week, but instead has to start his 10 day paternity leave this weekend.  On one hand, it's a big fat bummer that he may end up wasting his full 10 days of adjusting to life with a baby with his still pregnant and less than pleasant wife - but on the other, he will be there when Cedar comes, and he will also have some time to quiet his mind before our lives get turned upside down.  So, a blessing in disguise, we'll call it. 

I am looking forward to having some company next week.  It has been rainy and we're trying not to spend extra money right now, so keeping busy all day can be a challenge.

Especially when google has 129,000 results for How to naturally induce labor.

Anyway, all is well out here.  I am a bit homesick and wishing my family was around, but am overall grateful and excited that Jody and I will be experiencing the birth of our daughter alone.  We have been through so much together, intimate moments like those are what keep us strong and in love.  It's going to be an awkward challenge having to share his love and attention not only with our daughter, but with our families and friends in the year to come, but a challenge I welcome and look forward to.

Now, onto a long walk and a reward from Starbucks!  Happy Friday!