Wednesday Morning

'My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.'

2 Corinthians 12:9

A prayer from today's devotional by Beth Moore.

...Because it's before six am

...because we're not yet over hump-day

(hump.  still funny.)

...and because it's good stuff.

Today focuses on insecurities, fears and useless inquiries.  Fitting for my current state of heart.

Dear Lord,

I ask that you single out everything you entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition.  You know what you were doing when you formed me in my mother's womb.  Nothing is without purpose.  Nothing has thrown off the plan.  Every gift, challenge and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny you ordained for me before time began.  Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what you can do through me.  You mean to increase the praise that comes to you because of my life.  You want to defy the odds in order to make yourself conspicuous in me.  Please deliver me from self pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations.  Where I've otherwise lapsed into self adoration and self-centeredness instead, help me to recognize my narcissism and no longer tolerate it.  Of all things, please don't let it be said that I loved myself too much to fully love anybody else.  Please don't let me gain the world but lose my soul.

Even in the midst of these requests, I thank you for working so diligently in my life.

In your name,

Amen.

A few things.  Try them.

•  Black coffee. 

 Black.  Coffee.  Black coffee, black coffee, black coffee.  Try ditching your Femi-creamers and take your morning brew like a man.  You'll ditch calories, feel cooler and your bowels will thank you.

• Sipping your black coffee with Him.

I've recently introduced my prayer journal and pen to Joe, my morning-liquid-courage, and they've become good friends.  It's not much, but I simply try to spend my first ten minutes with God.  Sometimes I pray, sometimes I sip-and-stare, and sometimes I write.  Ten minutes, folks.  You should try it.  He's good company.

• Walking, not running. 

A few things:  Running is great.  Running feels good, and I use it to zone out my mind, and stretch out my muscles, but I get bored after just a few miles.  Not so when I walk.  I can walk for hours and miles, and I, ahem, am considering this completely necessary, due to my future goals of walking over 2100 miles with my husband. 
Did you know that speed walking can be an even greater workout than jogging?  Depending on your own body's walking/running methods, of course, but speed walking generally forces you to use more muscles to remain on the ground as you plow ahead, therefore burning lots of calories and fat. 
So.  If you don't do it for your head, you can try doing it for your buttocks. 
I do it for both.

• Dark Chocolate Covered Macadamia Nuts. 

Actually, dark chocolate covered anythings;
strawberries, graham crackers, popcorns, husbands, peppermints, cookies, dirty socks...you get it.

• Think Thin bars.  Although nothing has yet to crack my obsession and love for KIND bars, these are my runner up -- and they're awesome.  My favorite is the Creamy peanut butter protein bar.  It has 20 grams of protein, 0 grams sugar and is gluten free.  It generally passes my nutrition test, which may mean nothing to you, but I'm one picky eater, so acknowledge this moment.  The catch is these bars are stinking expensive, and unlike KIND and LARA bars, I wouldn't have a clue as to how to replicate them at home.  So I buy them in bulk.  At www.soap.com.  Try this website...it's good for all kinds of products!

• This book.  I pulled Gaining: The Truth about Life After Eating Disorders out of a 99 cent bin in Hastings, and have been completely enthralled with it ever since.  Her research is terrifying and, I believe it to be absolutely accurate.  If you're a woman, have a daughter, a niece, a sister, a mother -- you need to read this.  Even more so if you yourself have never struggled with an eating disorder, as this book does an excellent job of portraying why so many people turn to anorexia and bulemia, among many other disorders, as a means of control, not just a desire to be skinny.

And now, folks, I must walk.  It's a beautiful day outside!

Happy Friday!

I've contemplated many blog posts since moving back to Billings, as I've had many an hour of sitting not only in a moving vehicle mid-cross-country-haul, but back home, too, as my schedule is extensively not demanding

 and that's just how I like it.

I've come to somewhat of a conclusion that despite my husbands absence, I am one happy camper.  I use the word 'blessed' so often, and I wish I could come up with another adjective that would justify my current state, but I'm lacking in elaborate words.

I am just so so blessed.

I miss him dearly, but Jody is but one of many true friendships with which I've been given, and I'm really recognizing and allowing other people to grow in my heart as I experience their love and care for Jody and myself. 

I'm blessed by my In Laws, who always have a kind word, a warm meal, or an adventure waiting for me should I need or request,

my own parents, who've REopened their home to me, tolerated my stinky gym shoes beside the front door, and loved me through my rough days,

my sisters, friends, and friends of friends who never cease to provide encouragement, a hot cup of joe or a cold beer, to check on Jody, or even to offer up a prayer.

Being back home after an extended period away has molded many changes inside of me, and I am finally learning to hold on to my minutes, my hours, my days, as precious fragments in an otherwise meaningless existance. 

Recently, my best friend emphasized to me one simple, difficult, yet very beautiful truth:

We are not promised tomorrow.

Well, shoot.

 

I'm so grateful that Casey reminded me of this simple fact, as I confided with her one day about my struggles and fears, and was reminded that today is my life.  Right now is the time that the Lord is using me, and no moment should be wasted holding onto fears and hosting regrets and recurring sin.

With that said, I am struggling with a funny feeling.  A strange lack of worth, as, like I confided earlier, my schedule is awkwardly easy.  It seems to me that I like to complicate or dramatize things, as I know I am completely unworthless. 

(That's a word.)

  I do have a job, I do stay busy, I am striving to grow stronger physically, spiritually and in my relationship with my friends and family. 
But
it seems
according to worldly standards, I am a bum and a half.  Twenty one years old, and I haven't completed a full year beyond high school.  My biggest thrill yesterday afternoon was shooting hoops outside for forty five minutes with a third grader.  I live with my parents.  The number of  laps I make around Target weekly would be shameful to admit.

Galatians 5:13 says

'You, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another.'

Translated in my mind, I hear the Lord reminding me to, yes, use every second that I have been gifted with. 

Gifted with.
 
Given.  To me, completely undeserving of a gift.

Every second, every dollar, every relationship to serve under him, no matter the time or place in our lives.  This gets tricky.  Here I am, all too often justifying my selfish behaviors here in Billings with the belief that since Jody's away for six months, I am taking just a short break from life.  You know, it's only six months.
It's just temporary.
I'll go to school when he comes back.
I'll get a real job later.
I can save money when I'm actually making money.
For now, I feel sorry for myself, so I'll skip lunch with an old mentor and instead take a nice long run, and buy myself a coffee.  Because I deserve it
and

because it's okay.  There's more time.  It's just temporary.

Get it?  My focus greatly needs to be turned away from me, what makes me feel good, and back towards not only the people I love, but the people I don't love.  The ones who are not easy to love.  The ones who need my love
but more importantly
need to see God's love.  In me.  And you.

Where are you with this?