In This Moment

A few weeks back, in an effort to distract my whiney little darling, I held and swayed her like an infant and sang Rock-a-bye in a mocking tone.  Cedar loved my silly singing voice and immediately clapped her hands and screamed for "Mah!" (more).  Since then, I've caught her multiple times, rocking her baby and trying her own rendition of the classic.  This morning, she climbed up onto my lap with her blankey, layed it against my shoulders and asked me to sing to her.  In tiny human words, what went down was more like this:  Up peese.  La, la, la, laaa.  Mah.  Peese." 

So I sang.  And each time after I finished, she'd look me right in the eyes and demand for Mah.  It's moments like these, when she is loving me for who I am - her Mama - and not for my horrendous singing voice, that my eyes just want to well up with tears and my heart feels it might burst.  How long will she appreciate my singing to her?

Since being one and a half only lasts for so long, I am concentrating hard on enjoying each and every time I hear that tiny little voice call for me, because, in reality, that tiny little voice will grow up, and one morning I'll sleep past eight and wake up in a panic and wonder why Cedar hasn't called for me yet.  Then I'll realize she's not a baby anymore.  She's in the living room, having gotten herself up, onto the potty, into the cereal and started coloring.  Without me.

These are the moments I am loving/feeling thankful for right now:

-Bedtime routine.  Cedar gathers her "supplies", (blankies, stuffed animals) flips on the space heater, turns on her sound machine and I lift her into bed.  We pray together and I say sleep good, I love you.  She looks me right in the eyes, binkie in mouth and mumbles, "Luh-yoo."

And then I die a little.

-Mornings.  This is a love/hate.  I wish so much that I could have slow mornings again, but right now I have to beat Cedar to the punch, so I am (usually) up and showered and drinking my coffee when the jabbering begins, right around 7am.  She sings and jabbers until she gets annoyed and demands Mama, Dada, or Papa or Grammy or just WHOEVER THE HECK COME AND GET ME OUT OF THIS CRIB!  The day has begun and we are off.

-Brief, quiet moments when she is playing by herself.  When she is in her own little world and I happen to catch her.  They happen rarely, and they happen quickly, but in those moments I get to peek around the corner and watch her little movements and wonder what she is thinking, and who she is talking to?  I get to watch Cedar turn into...Cedar!

I have NO SHAME when it comes to taking selfies with Cedar.  Her eyes light up when she sees "Dee-dah!" in the camera and we have a good ol time making silly faces and smiles at the camera.  So, there's that :p