Doubts + Pride + A quick lesson

I went on vacation last week.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I woke up, put on nice clothes, curled my hair and drank black coffee in my to go mug as I drove away from my house, my kid, my dirty laundry, and my problems.

I parked downtown with the rest of Billings' high roller businessmen and women and pretended I was someone important as I walked downtown to the courthouse for...

Jury Duty.



I'm a little embarrassed at how much I enjoyed my civil duty, but

it felt very much like a vacation for me.  I didn't change any diapers.  I looked nice.  I had adult conversations.  I was expected to be somewhere, every day, and I was acknowledged and appreciated for being there.  As each day went by, I noticed myself feeling more and more "important" and thinking less and less of Cedar at home and whomever was watching her that day.  It felt great, and by the end of the week, I was ready to hit the books, pay the sitter, and become a fancy, money making business woman myself.  No kidding.

It sounds silly.  But for the first time in my life, and I mean ever in my life, I doubted my role as wife and mother.  I doubted it.  Very severely. 

For the first time, I felt small and mistaken in my "life choices" and completely convinced myself that I wasn't enough.  That, for whatever reason, God had messed up and stuck me in the wrong world - because this new world - the one where I was busy, smart, pretty, successful - that was the world I belonged in.  A fantasy world.

On Thursday, we stayed late making our final deliberations and I left downtown at 8 pm.  Cedar was already in bed and after contemplating calling a friend for a drink, I decided to hit Albertsons for some quick and necessary groceries.  The moment I walked into the grocery store, a wave of anger washed over me.  My fantasy was over now, and it was back to reality.  Diapers to buy, toilets to clean, dinners to cook and a toddler to scold.  A husband to fight with, and bills to pay. 

If I've ever talked to you about how my depression feels, I've described a big, grey cloud that sits above my head and drips negativity into my brain day in and day out.  A big, grey cloud that wont go away - for anything.  No matter what I do, this ridiculous cloud hates me and loves me all the same and it won't let me go.  It is so hard to overcome. 

I listened to my grey cloud all weekend as I performed my ridiculous, unimportant and incorrect tasks. 

I was tricked, though.  The kind of negativity in which I've become accustomed - and have learned (mostly) to cope with - was not what I was hearing last week.  There was no negativity, but instead I was overwhelmed with an ugly prideful attitude, and the more I thought on my life, the more I convinced myself that I was better than this, and that I was meant for more. 

This is a lie much harder to recognize, as I'm human, I'm sinful, and I love myself. 
Embarrassing truth.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but it's important, because as I continue on in my walk with Jesus, I'm learning to catch the enemy in his lies, and as Christ followers, we need to be prepared to recognize the truth beneath his lies, which are clever, witty, attractive and in abundance,

and last week,

I was covered in them.

On Friday, in my nasty pride, I swept the floors, folded the laundry and changed diapers all the while telling myself, if I could just get through two more years of this, go to school, then I could land my dream job and my daughter would go to daycare and some other, more gently and better placed woman would take over the duties that I was beginning to loathe.

Here's the thing, (and I can't believe I even have to share this disclaimer, but in this land of mommy-wars and sensitivity, I feel I must) I have nothing against mothers who work and take their children to daycare.  I am not biased in either way, and still hope to have a career of my own someday - a career with which would probably require my children to receive care from others at times - but this is about my heart.  I know in my soul that God has me right where he wants me.  That I was made to be with Jody, to raise Cedar and to stay at home with them during this time.  And that may change, but I know my Jesus, and I know he would have me at home right now. 

Moving on.

One almost melt down, one real meltdown, and one good reality check snapped me back to life, thank God. 

Here's what i know:  My God does not make mistakes.

• I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come.  I say, 'My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.'  (Isaiah 46:10)

He is almighty.  He is good to me.  He sustains me with his word.  He forgives me in my sin and my pride, and he teaches me grace and mercy through the death of his son.  And while I'm covered in sin, day in and day out, he reaches out and snaps me back to life - life in Him!  How profound!  And how good.  Thank you, Jesus.

A thousand times I've failed,

Still your mercy remains,

And should I stumble again,

Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out, Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love you from the inside out

-From The Inside Out Lyrics-