I've contemplated many blog posts since moving back to Billings, as I've had many an hour of sitting not only in a moving vehicle mid-cross-country-haul, but back home, too, as my schedule is extensively not demanding

 and that's just how I like it.

I've come to somewhat of a conclusion that despite my husbands absence, I am one happy camper.  I use the word 'blessed' so often, and I wish I could come up with another adjective that would justify my current state, but I'm lacking in elaborate words.

I am just so so blessed.

I miss him dearly, but Jody is but one of many true friendships with which I've been given, and I'm really recognizing and allowing other people to grow in my heart as I experience their love and care for Jody and myself. 

I'm blessed by my In Laws, who always have a kind word, a warm meal, or an adventure waiting for me should I need or request,

my own parents, who've REopened their home to me, tolerated my stinky gym shoes beside the front door, and loved me through my rough days,

my sisters, friends, and friends of friends who never cease to provide encouragement, a hot cup of joe or a cold beer, to check on Jody, or even to offer up a prayer.

Being back home after an extended period away has molded many changes inside of me, and I am finally learning to hold on to my minutes, my hours, my days, as precious fragments in an otherwise meaningless existance. 

Recently, my best friend emphasized to me one simple, difficult, yet very beautiful truth:

We are not promised tomorrow.

Well, shoot.

 

I'm so grateful that Casey reminded me of this simple fact, as I confided with her one day about my struggles and fears, and was reminded that today is my life.  Right now is the time that the Lord is using me, and no moment should be wasted holding onto fears and hosting regrets and recurring sin.

With that said, I am struggling with a funny feeling.  A strange lack of worth, as, like I confided earlier, my schedule is awkwardly easy.  It seems to me that I like to complicate or dramatize things, as I know I am completely unworthless. 

(That's a word.)

  I do have a job, I do stay busy, I am striving to grow stronger physically, spiritually and in my relationship with my friends and family. 
But
it seems
according to worldly standards, I am a bum and a half.  Twenty one years old, and I haven't completed a full year beyond high school.  My biggest thrill yesterday afternoon was shooting hoops outside for forty five minutes with a third grader.  I live with my parents.  The number of  laps I make around Target weekly would be shameful to admit.

Galatians 5:13 says

'You, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love, serve one another.'

Translated in my mind, I hear the Lord reminding me to, yes, use every second that I have been gifted with. 

Gifted with.
 
Given.  To me, completely undeserving of a gift.

Every second, every dollar, every relationship to serve under him, no matter the time or place in our lives.  This gets tricky.  Here I am, all too often justifying my selfish behaviors here in Billings with the belief that since Jody's away for six months, I am taking just a short break from life.  You know, it's only six months.
It's just temporary.
I'll go to school when he comes back.
I'll get a real job later.
I can save money when I'm actually making money.
For now, I feel sorry for myself, so I'll skip lunch with an old mentor and instead take a nice long run, and buy myself a coffee.  Because I deserve it
and

because it's okay.  There's more time.  It's just temporary.

Get it?  My focus greatly needs to be turned away from me, what makes me feel good, and back towards not only the people I love, but the people I don't love.  The ones who are not easy to love.  The ones who need my love
but more importantly
need to see God's love.  In me.  And you.

Where are you with this?